6.16.2011

Dear Rachel Dratch,

After several years of convincing myself that I was fine being pale during the summer, that it was better for my skin if I didn't get too much sun, and that I should probably avoid the sun so I don't look like Janice Dickenson, I decided that Summer 2011 is the summer of the tan.

I regularly threaten to get a spray tan because I think they're hilarious. Tanning, in any kind of way, is hilarious. It's completely vain. You are laying there, whether in the sun or in a bed of crazy intense lights, waiting for your skin to change colors so that you will look different. It could be said that it's no different that getting a hair cut, but when have you ever been accused of you're skin being too long or so smelly that you need to take care of it? Never. We're never so taken aback by someone so not tan that we tend to only notice tans when they are crazy thick, i.e., Snooki.

All of that said, there is still something very sexy about a tan. The summer after my senior year in college, my friend Megan and I got a little tanning package at this place near the Food Lion. As it turns out, this was also the summer that we last took family portraits and I was looking toasty. My sister outed my tanning to my mom and dad while we were on vacation, as if it were some deep, dark secret. "So Jon, why are you so brown these days?" I admitted it and I admitted that I liked it. I mean, let's be real, the mix of the hotness of the lights with that crazy fan they blow on you is kind of intoxicating. I would just lay there and drift off to the sounds of light rock and dream about what I might look like if I took this as seriously as Hulk Hogan.

That was not my only experience with the tanning bed. In Fall 2008, I was going to a wedding and I thought I needed to be tan to look my best. I don't think I was working full time yet but somehow I managed to scrape together enough cash to afford another set of tanning salon time. Looking back, I'm not sure how this happened but when something is a priority, you have a way of making it work.

Something was a little off this time around, though. For whatever reason, I decided to tan fully nude. The last time I kept my underwear on, which made sense because it's kind of gross otherwise. But this time, with caution in the wind, I laid it all on the bed. This turned out to be a gross misunderstanding between the tanning bed and my body. I am now wholly convinced that certain parts of your body are not meant to see the sun. I will scream this at nudists worldwide, if need be. Your butt and thighs should be your natural color so that you can maintain some element of humanity that the tanning salon takes away from you. When you tan, you are doing something sort of natural, but also mostly unnatural. Well, when you tan in a tanning bed. I don't mean to get all judgy, but I have reasons.

I got the worst sun burn on the backs of my legs throughout this experience. Every time I'd think it be different, I strip down to the buff and come out of there wailing, "What have I done!? Whaaat have I done!?" I don't know if this was a different machine than the one I used the first time I used a tanning bed or if I was just allergic to their cleaning products. But it all just ended in regret. I had to stop going because the pain was too unbearable. My body couldn't take it and that was when I decided it was probably okay for me if I just avoided getting a tan. I worked inside all the time anyway so it was pretty unnatural looking on me, especially if I hadn't been to the beach or anything. I had no explanations for a tan and the pain was too much.

So all that now being said, I have become obsessed with getting a tan this summer. On multiple occasions I have even had my credit card out, ready to purchase some time at my local Sun Tan City. However, seeing as I only now understand how frivolous this can be, at least for me, in the last week I have taken to going to the pool and laying out. And by in the last week, I mean twice over the last three days. This is all natural and doesn't cost a thing. This should work right? After all my judgy comments and hateration, all I want to do this summer is to look like a beach bunny. Or at least to be able to pass for a Californian. Oh, I have also become obsessed with California being where I possibly want to live. Notice the word "want". I haven't yet fully come to terms with this bizarre thought, so don't expect much more right now. But I can at least begin playing the Real Housewives of the OC part now by getting golden brown.

Or I could look like Janice and Snooki's brother. I do love me some pomade.

Jon