8.29.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

I don't know about you, but I am kind of a fashion nerd. I know obscure facts about designers, I read about a thousand magazines a month, and my new obsession is reading fashion blogs written by eighth graders. It's insane that these children are taking to the internet with their own fashion nerd-dom and getting some hardcore press about it. I am mostly talking about this child, Tavi.

She is insightful and interesting in ways that I know I wasn't when I was her age. It blows my mind. But it does all make me feel better about being obsessed with things that so many other people make fun of or simply hate. But I will tell you, like that scene involving cerulean blue in "The Devil Wears Prada," we are all affected by fashion.

The Gap has been struggling the past few years to find their voice in today's market. Are they going to be a place where you can find more affordable knock-offs of runway clothes, or are they going to return to their root of denim and chinos and tees. I still don't know if they know. But the current campaign featuring all their new fits of denim got me a little excited. I will say, The Gap was my first taste of fashion. I bought this crazy plaid old man jacket than I subsequently returned because I didn't think it was wholly appropriate to wear in seventh grade. And I was a little afraid of being beat up for wearing it. But nonetheless, I needed more and more.

I've always kind of supported The Gap because they do have great things. There was a while there where I wanted everything they had. This was probably ten years ago now. Somewhere along the way, they lost their footing and their taste. It all became cheaply made, yet still kind of cute. But cheaply made. And their prices did not match the quality they were trying to pawn off on us. Then Patrick Robinson came around, maybe two or three years ago, to take over and reimagine the entire brand. This is where all these new fits of jeans come in. He realized that The Gap is all about great basics, so he and his team went back to the drawing board. What resulted is six new fits and styles for women and seven for men. I, naturally, was most interested in the skinny. I would not categorize my style as anything hipster, but I do love some skinny jeans. Thus, I was excited about The Gap finally having a version that was called skinny and actually fit well. They have been trying to sell "skinny" jeans for a couple years now, but they more capably fit Dumbo. Clearly not skinny.

I had been to their webpage to read all about these new jeans. As the September magazines started to arrive, there were little foldouts in every issue, promising that they would have a fit and wash for every. single. person. Awesome. I wanted to know more about the skinny jean, but the website said it was only available in stores. So I went to the store.

After two or three walk-throughs of the sales floor, I could not find anything called skinny jeans. I asked the dude who seemed to work there. Which I should not have had to do. If you are rolling out an entire new denim line and it is being advertised EVERYWHERE, the least you could do is be excited about showing them to me. He was a little sleepy, so I let it slide. "Do you guys have the new skinny jeans?" "No, we don't carry those in stores." "But they just came out this week!? And the website said they would only be available in stores." "I know, I'm sorry. But we have something else you might want to try." "Oh that's cool."

Patrick Robinson. This goes out to you. I wanted to try these jeans, and I probably would have bought them if they were great, and I really wanted them to be. But they weren't there. What are you doing!!?? I was excited about this, I want you to do well. I love jeans. And the fact that I became a little obsessed with these means your marketing is doing its job. But they weren't there.

Maybe this should all just go to show me that sometimes stepping back a little and breathing, maybe not being so obsessed with clothes and such might help. But I really blame this on the marketing scheme. There were videos, and ads, and billboards, and signs. All of that did get me excited. I wanted to support The Gap, and The Man. I love corporations! But I can't do it if there is no product.

I know I addressed this to you, Rachel, but I wonder if some of the world's teenage fashion bloggers might have some insight. I mean, The Gap did it for me when I was their ages. Who knows. I'm going to go sit in my Levi's and stare at the wall.

Jon

8.25.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

There is a haunted mansion in Savannah, GA that is said to be something like the most haunted place in all of the United States. It has been known to cause you pain in your groin, it is so haunted. The real kicker here is that there is a mysterious staircase that appears some times to some people, and not at other times to other people. In fact, even two people viewing it at the same time may only result in one of them seeing this staircase. Such was the case with Ben and his friend Sarah. He saw the staircase.

We were talking about this haunted staircase this evening, and I raised what I feel to be a very valid point--how can a staircase be a ghost? It is not undead. It was not ever alive. How can you or a house be haunted by the ghost staircase? If is it only the ghost staircase that makes this house the most haunted place in America, I am confused as to how exactly it works that this staircase can in fact do hauntings.

I guess I believe in ghosts. There was once this lake we had to swim in at camp, and sometimes I could feel very cold spots when other spots were very warm. Was I experiencing a haunting? I like to think that it was more me experiencing the result of some kind of contamination or the changes in temperature exist because of acid rain or it is a by-product of global warming. But you know how they say ghosts always make the space around them very cold? Maybe I was experiencing a ghost. I would just move to the warm spots because those cold spots made me very uncomfortable.

But I don't know if I can say that water can exist as something "haunted" and then turn around and say that something as un-alive and inanimate as a staircase could not be haunted. I wonder if the staircase moves around at night, all Marley style like "A Christmas Carol". I imagine that would sound like earth quakes, and would in result in a little more than some groin aches. Which brings me to this--THIS STAIRCASE CANNOT BE HAUNTED!

Perhaps there is someone who is haunting this house that moves the staircase back and forth depending on who is doing the leering from the front door. It could operate like those giant staircases they use to get to the top shelves at Staples and Office Depot, maybe it's all on wheels. But that is really giving this haunting thing too much credit. I've already disavowed the theory that that lake from childhood was haunted due to the actuality of it being contaminated by something of some sort. So this staircase also cannot be haunted because it is a staircase. Case closed. Right?

What do you think? Is this worth pursuing? Should I devote some if not all of my current state of free time to researching this phenomenon? Let me know.

Jon

8.20.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

Yesterday I saw this lady in the street. We are sort of acquaintances, I suppose. We greet each other. She always talks about how cute our dogs are. Her dog is a bit of a beast, so I don't really say anything. I know neither her name nor her dog's. But we greet each other as if we hang out all the time, or something. She seems nice. We've been living here over a year and I don't feel appropriate asking her her name. Is that bad?

There is a similar situation with a couple down the street. They also have a dog. And this dog loves our beagle. I mean, he is awesome. But this dog loses her shit, lays down in the street or the dirt, gets on her back, and proceeds to attempt to seduce him every time she sees him. I think if dogs had a mating dance that it would look like this. These two ladies are super sweet and they always ask about my job and how things are going, and we exchange that sort of pleasantry. They each have a name, which they have told me. And I even said when this happened, "I was wondering if it was too late to introduce ourselves after we've been greeting each other for so long!" She said no, so it was cool. But that was like five months ago. I know their collective names, but I don't know which name matches which person. Is this bad?

All of this makes me think of what might make me a really bad person. During my sophomore year of college I lived in an on-campus apartment. Looking back, it was no where near as insane as my last two years which I spent on a residence hall, complete with freshman and creepy RAs. But it seemed so weird at the time. I lived with two brothers and a friend of mine. The brothers were okay, they liked to play video games a lot and one ate dinner alone by candle light. And by candle light, I mean a big fat candle with three wicks. But they were nice and put up with my incessant Lil Jon music playing.

My friend decided he was going to do an internship or something, so he would be moving out. He never told me any of this. We might have had a falling out related to my eating of his roasted turkey or when I flipped my shit about someone drinking my orange juice that was actually hidden behind the milk. I may not have been the best roommate, but he could have told me he was leaving! I come back from winter break, knowing my friend is gone, and wondering if we were going to be getting a new roommate. Oh, one weird thing about these apartments is that the rooms were seriously eight-by-eleven. I could reach the computer, fridge, and door all from my bed, which was nice but also a little weird.

We ended up getting a new roommate. He was moving his stuff in, and I greeted him, told him my name, asked if he needed any help moving in. He introduced himself. I didn't really hear what he said because I was distracted by the weird smell coming from one of the brother's cooking in the kitchen, so I was maybe only half-listening. I didn't hear his name. But I felt bad for possibly asking him to repeat it so I just smiled and nodded like I heard him. "Welcome," I said as I turned up my music and settled in.

I did not know this man's name for the entire semester. We would see each other on campus and just do the bro-nod in the other's direction. His name was either Brian, Jeff or Scott. We never hung out or really pretended to be friends. I probably ate his chips, or something. It now seems like this is a bit of a pattern--forming sort-of relationships with veritable strangers that I interact with on a somewhat constant basis, who know who I am, but I don't know who they are. I know all the names of the people I love, and all the names of the Jackson children. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the name of that lady who walks her dog. And she's so nice!

I am convinced there is a point at which it is no longer appropriate to ask for someone's name if you have had interactions with them for an extended period of time. It just feels weird. "Hi lady who I say hello to every morning for the past 365 days. What is your name?" That sounds weird! But she knows my dogs' names! Ack!

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I tend to get pretty attached to things when I care about them, so if I keep these people at a distance and they move, or their dogs die, it won't be such a big deal. I don't know. I still feel kind of bad.

Tell me what you think.

Jon

8.11.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

I just drank two glasses of Chinese herbs. I am supposed to drink three glasses a day and I already drank one, and it was getting late so I figured I should just do the last two at the same time. Now, I am washing said herbs down with a Miller High Life. I wonder what my acupuncturist would say about all of this.

I have come into a lot of free time recently and I have tried to make the most of it. I have decided that this $1500 bag that I wanted may not be the most responsible purchase, ever. In fact, the entire thought process I had about the purchase of said bag reminds me of a similar pattern of thoughts I had as a kid. Do you remember when everyone had a beeper? I think the technical term was pager, but only doctors and moms called them pagers. Looking back, I am not sure if I completely understand why beepers were so completely pervasive. What exactly was their purpose? I think it was to let the person you are beeping know that they need to call you or maybe get in verbal communication with you in some way. Remember folks who had special codes all worked out with their family or their fifth grade boyfriends? I think it was some pretty serious business.

My mom had a beeper. She wasn't a doctor. She just had one. I think MCI got her a good deal. I remember doing anything I could so that I could just hold it, maybe carry around when we were at the mall, you know, let the clip hang out of my pocket. I had no business with a beeper. I didn't have any friends who needed to get in touch, I was a fifth grader. I was always with my parents, so they didn't need to do anything to find me because, hello, I was right there. But it seemed all the cool kids had beepers. And they had them in cool colors. I remember beeping my friend Naseem from time to time just to see if she would call back.

I wanted a beeper so badly! One day when we were at the mall, I knew it was time. I had been pricing beepers, so I knew how much they cost. But what the world didn't know was that I was so about to fool them. When I was pricing beepers, I was also pricing beeper cases. You know, the actual brightly colored thing the beeper slid into. This is what people recognized if they thought you had a beeper, the case and maybe the clip hanging on the outside of a pocket on your hip. I knew that if I just bought the beeper case then it would look like a full-blown beeper and my place as a cool kid would be cemented.

The thing cost $16, so I saved and saved. I don't remember ever really having lots of cash as a kid, but I remember there was this extremely vague idea that we were to get $1 per week as an allowance. But I don't remember how often that actually happened. All of this is to say I don't know where exactly the money came from, but I had it. I had been preparing for a while now and I knew that I wanted the neon yellow beeper case. My family was down at Pizza Hut. We loved the Book It program because it allowed us to get those awesome personal pan pizzas from the Hut, which for some reason we only ever got at the mall. The beeper store was down near the entrance to the food court.

I begged off standing in line at Pizza Hut saying that I needed to go to the bathroom, which was next to the beeper place. I walked down there. "I want the neon yellow beeper case please."

"Do you know what kind of pager you have?"

"Of course I do, why would I buy a paaager case with no paaaaager?" I replied.

"Ok, that will be $16."

"Fine. I have it all. My mom would not appreciate you treating me like this. In fact, that's her paging me now..."

"Here you go! Enjoy it!"

I was elated. I didn't make it past the Arby's, though, before complete and total buyers remorse overtook my sub-adolescent conscience. I don't really have a beeper! How will I explain to my parents that I spent all that money on a beeper case, only to just have it so that people will think I have a beeper! I did ponder using it to hold gum, as there was a bubblegum beeper they sold at the Media Play. I wanted to buy that one because it made a little more sense for me as I was a child and all, but the clip didn't look right and I don't like fake things!

After a moment or two, I turned right back around and returned to the beeper store, which really was just a counter in a wall that displayed beeper paraphernalia. "My mom said this cost too much. I need to return it for a refund."

That was that. My brush with the beeper case was swift, and for just a second I felt like I could really be going places. But it seemed like the only place I was actually headed was one of those situations where you do something dumb, your parents find out, and then you have to make up some kind of story about why what just happened just happened. I didn't have many friends, so using the one I had made no sense. I couldn't justify this extravagance.

I never got a beeper, but I did carry my mom's for a while after she got her service cut off. This was a few months or maybe years after the fad had passed on from my fifth grade. But I will tell you, there was something a little cool about turning on the vibrate alert and saying, "Oh, that was my friend from Atlanta! I'll be right back!" as I would walk away, laughing to myself.

Talk to you soon.

Jon

8.6.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

I had an accident at acupuncture this morning. Not really an accident, I guess. It may have been more of a misunderstanding. But it does involve my forehead having this weird bruise.

The first time I did acupuncture was last week. I didn't have much of a fear of all the needles and the sticking, although I once ran out on a pediatrician who tried to give me a hepatitis vaccine. This experience was relaxing. He put needles in my stomach, my legs, my neck, my ears, almost everywhere. Then he took those out and I flipped over and we did it all over again. Sometimes I fall asleep really fast when I'm on my stomach so I almost passed out this time.

My second time was this morning. I walked in, said hello, read a little about the Saved By The Bell reunion perpetrated by People magazine. Then it was time. He brought me to a new room, one that had four beds. One had a lady in it already, and she seemed to be pretty zonked out. I tried not to look at her so as to make sure I didn't interrupt anything going on. So we're whispering, he's asking me about my stomach and how it's been since the first time. Things have been good, I say. I've really noticed a difference already. Great to hear, he whispereplies. He instructs me to take off my shoes, which I almost misinterpreted as take off your shirt. I didn't expect that, so I just removed my shoes which turned out to be the right move.

He gets right to putting the needles in. They don't really hurt when they go in, only sometimes. And I let him know when it does hurt. There was one in my stomach that got a "Nuh uh, no thank you" and he fixed that one up quick. He needles me all up, and he says he'll be back. The first time, each side of my body got between fifteen and twenty minutes. I figure he'll be back soon and it will be time for the changeover.

I lay there, and lay there, and lay there, and lay there. I tried to fall asleep, I swear but I could feel parts of my body going numb. I didn't know if that was from the needles or the fact that my feet were raised just a little. I couldn't move my toes on my right foot! But I powered through, in anticipation of explaining this new back pain I've had a few times over the past month that decided to come back two days ago. And I kept waiting for him to come back. Nope, this was it--we were done.

After all was said and poked, and an hour later, I was out of there. I had no idea what was going to happen so I was surprised so much time had passed! It turns out, because I'm broke as a joke, I am part of the acupuncture community, which means cheaper rates, but also means group rooms and one side of your body at a time. All of which is totally fine with me, I just didn't know. He started explaining this as he was taking the needles out of my body. He has been sticking one in my forehead, to help clear and calm the mind. This one made me bleed a little. He patted the blood out and warned about the bruise.

I was feeling and looking good when I got out of there. Then around 2 or 3 this afternoon, I notice this bizarre coloring on my forehead. It is clearly a bruise, right between my eyebrows. It's not that it looks totally weird, I mean maybe some people get hickies on their foreheads. I guess my forehead is just sensitive. I had forgotten all about this forehead bruise until my boss asked me about it. We laughed because I told her the story after explaining that I completely forgot that I had this purplish-brownish spot on my face.

All of this is to say that if you do acupuncture, sometimes they only do one side of your body. And if your person warns that there might be bruising, ice that spot quick!

Ok, honestly, it's really not that bad.

Hope you are well.

Jon