9.28.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

I am sitting here watching "Dancing With The Stars". I haven't really watched it before, except for a few times in grad school when I would be stuffing my face with spaghetti and needed something for my eyes to do while my belly did all the work. I get the appeal--clearly, we love watching people compete in things like singing, dancing, modeling, being a tool. I need to now reroute where this was going to go--I must admit I am really into the routine Melissa Joan Hart just did. I have sort of loved her since we only knew her as Clarissa.

Remember when she got all fat and had babies or something? Or when she appeared in that Britney Spear's video "Crazy"? I wonder if she has had some kind of relationship with Britney, through all the shaved heads and umbrella attacks. Wouldn't that be something if Ms. Joan Hart and "Crazy" had become and stayed friends? If so, I hope she was involved in the intervention process. Maybe she would pull some tricks from her Sabrina sleeves, using the cat or something to tear Jayden and Brayden, or whatever the other kid's name is, away while distracting Britney while daddy Jamie took them to a safe house. Who knows. It's weird that both of these women, who were sort of at the top of their respective games a good ten years ago, continue to be within the range of some sort of celebrity. I guess all it takes is a couple dozen donuts and the ability to dance, which begs the question: why am I not a celebrity!?

I have been so tired lately. I drank a diet Mountain Dew a couple hours ago and I am so sleepy! It's so interesting to me when I tell folks that our drank of choice is diet Mountain Dew. They judge and judge. But it tastes so good! And it's less harmful that coffee, I think. We once tried to purple kind, Ultraviolet. It comes out purple, and the carbonated part is blue. It's so crazy. That did kind of make me question the life choices I was making at the time, but then I just chug-a-lugged and I was over it. I bet that one has a lot of chemicals in it, though.

Just wanted to drop a quick note. I hope you are well, especially after Jenny Slate said fuck on last week's Saturday Night Live. I hope that gets you guys at least a few more viewers after Justin Timberlake crazy takeover last season. By the way, can we do something about him appearing this season? Like maybe not have him appear. That new haircut does nothing for me other than remind me of his "Bye Bye Bye" days. And I'll admit, "No Strings Attached" is N'Sync's masterpiece. But his hair was not. See what Lorne can do.

Jon

9.23.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

Clearly, I've been gone for a minute. I haven't really been doing much lately, but my creative juices have been a little stagnant it seems. What's weird is that my social calendar has exploded over the past two or three weeks; maybe this is where most of my time has gone? I don't know how or why this has happened because all my friends are in grad school, so shouldn't they be doing work or something? Not that I'm at all complaining. In fact, I love it. When your friends get all bogged down in work, you don't get to see them often. So I am trying to take maximum advantage of their availability.

Another weird thing that has taken place happened last week. For some reason I decided I needed to hear some Toni Braxton. So I had a Toni Braxton music festival for a couple hours. It is striking to hear how her voice has changed since she first diva'd onto the scene. Where she once sang for real for real, over time she has taken to just sort of gutturally groaning. Because she was never one of my main ladies, despite my owning of most of her albums, I don't really care that her voice has changed. I do care about that weird disease or condition she came down with in the recent past that caused her to cancel some of her Las Vegas stint. I mean, I want no one to fall ill. I don't really know what else to say other than the music festival was a little random because, hello, who even knows Toni Braxton's name these days. Apparently I do.

We are in the middle of Fashion Month, with New York wrapping last week and London finishing yesterday. I am considering adding some fashion commentary here because let's face it--it is one of my obsessions. You already know about Whitney and Janet, and probably already know about my obsession with bathrooms. We will see. I also have a mildly-ironic, but mostly not obsession with Gloria Estefan, as in I cannot listen to "Coming Out of the Dark" without crying a little as I think about that bus accident she had in the late 80s that almost killed her. That woman is a survivor. She is no Tina Turner, but Mrs. E has seen it and come into the light. Despite appearances, my feelings toward Gloria are no where near the height of my feelings for these other things. And I talk about her often.

Geez, my biggest obsession right now is probably Kim Zolciak's "Tardy for the Party." I am not even only ironically interested in this song, I am honestly into it. It is a jam, as in the kind of jam that I also sincerely enjoyed like "Mambo #5" and Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations". I realize these songs are all kind of dumb, and maybe even a little weird, but geez-oh-pete, they get thangs moving and swaying and the next thing I know I am late getting somewhere because I had to take a shower because I got too sweaty dancing around the house. Anyway, this song is hott and I think you would be hard pressed to think otherwise. At least it's no "Tightrope".

I guess that's all I have to say. I'll try to write back sooner.

Jon

9.14.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

The following is a list of questions currently plaguing my brain:

1. I was listening to some Toni Braxton today, and all I could think about was trying to figure out what happened to her. She started out with such a nice voice, good songs, she titillated us with "He's Making Me High," made our hearts cry with "Un-Break My Heart." And then she kind of decided to only wear bras and panties and sort of growl. So what happened to Toni Braxton?

2. My friend Harry sent me this link to this bizarre video of Tyra Banks. Why won't she answer any questions about why Twiggy and Paulina left? Set. The. Record. Straight. Please. Also, her new "natural" hair is a nice look. I think that in this video, the new hair allows us to see her brain working, because the look on her face is one that somebody may make when they have shit themselves. I don't know this from experience.

That's all I got right now. Despite all this "free time," I can't manage to write you. I will be back asap, promise.

Jon

Oh, P.S.
I watched Whitney's interview on Oprah today. It was both revelatory and insane. I laughed out loud several times, nervous laughter though. It was almost too real. But I've been in a Whitney mood since then. So I made a playlist. The following is a warning: the bass on "My Love Is Your Love" is intense, so make sure you turn it down when you're jamming. Okay. I'm Out.