I once left a comedy show with toilet paper flying out of my pants. I mean, I know exactly how it got there but I'm not so sure about how long it had been there (or I guess I actually know the answer to that one, too) or why no one said anything until they did. It wasn't as if I planned on the tissue being an accessory, like some sort of flowy scarf flying from my pants waist or as if it was a white flag to the world that my pants had finally given up, thrown in the towel, and declared they were done fighting me. I guess I just didn't pay enough attention when finishing things up. The bathroom was rickety and I didn't trust the door to stay shut, and there was only one stall and what seemed to be a room of four hundred people, about half or so of which was other men who may need to use this bathroom. Oh, I don't think I mentioned that I couldn't get the toilet to flush and had to leave everything just sort of there. Except for the piece of toilet paper that escaped through my pants.
The little things that happen like this, like walking around for hours with your pants fly entirely open or realizing at the end of your eight-hour shift that you had a piece of romaine lettuce stuck in the side of your mouth that no one over the course of the eight hours told you about, that should make you take things a little less seriously. Because I know there are certainly some people who take themselves entirely seriously, I try to do my part to help them not look a little crazy, even if it would be hilarious. I will often stop a customer and tuck the tag of their White Stag blouse back into their shirt. Or I will say, "Hey, you have a little something hanging out of your nostril." All just to help a person out.
Then there are times when I see something like this, but I don't or forget to say something. There was once when a boss of mine lit into his wife for not telling him that he regularly suffers from stinky breath. It must have been a severe problem because he had like super-strength toothpaste that offered to blast off plaque and stank when you also combined it with what seemed to be almost pure alcohol tooth wash. I liked to think that he was really just drinking to make it through the day and that was what caused that weird alcoholy-smell, but I think it was probably the hippie Listerine. He got so mad at her, and I can sort of now understand why.
Sometimes in the evening, I too suffer from stanky in the mouth. And most of the time, I don't even know it. My breath will be part dragon and part old wet garlic feet and I am just yapping and yapping, getting all up in your face, trying to be cute and not even knowing what I am putting out there. Sometimes, like we all know, we can taste it when our mouth is probably erupting some stank. You know, like after you've enjoyed a nice long night of Thai food. It tasted so good, but sometimes that comes at a price.
No one at work has ever told me when my breath may have been kickin. In fact, no one I've ever worked with has ever said anything. Which means one of two things: one, I probably go around reeking havoc on people's faces often because I spend most of my day talking to people; or two, my breath doesn't start needing fumigation until I clock out. I'm not sure which it is. I have had bad breath enough times in the evening to think that it had to have started a little earlier than right as I was walking in the door. Whatever, let those fools suffer.
But maybe it is just a problem I get into at home. Or maybe I do suffer from this all of the time and the people at work are politely suffering through my rants on why not everything needs sequins or why we need to pay more attention to the male customers because they come to spend. I talk so much to everyone that I really hope no one is plotting an intervention sponsored by Crest. If anyone else is suffering, please come forward. I will not verbally assault you or make you feel bad for speaking the truth, I just need to know that I smell bad. I can fix this!
Just tell me that my breeze is blowing and I'll know exactly what to do. Otherwise you may relive my dinner and lunch, and nobody likes old pasta sauce feet!
Jon
Omg! You are cracking me up :-) ... this post is really in line with a work conversation had on Sunday. I'll save the details for later but in summation I hold my breath if someone is that close because I don't want to know if it's stankin! Hope you're enjoying vacation!!! Miss you of course!
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