This past week, Entertainment Weekly named it's top 25 funniest actresses. Names included Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, and Kristen Wiig. Those three I think we can say totally belong. Those ladies are hilarious, all day every day. Noticeably, you and Chelsea Handler were missing. Instead, they included a score of women who are all appearing in "I Love You, Man". Most of these women I've never heard of, or they are women who are just actresses who appear in funny things but are people I wouldn't consider funny. Hello, Jaime Pressley. Also, do we know Octavia Spencer from anything other than her obscure guest role as the immigration helper on "Ugly Betty"? This list is so weird and infuriating. Emily Blunt, you are not funny. All you women on "The Office," you are not funny. That's all you do Mindy Kaling, what else have you done? Geez, last one. Rashida Jones annoys me. She's not funny. She's just Quincy's daughter who got a couple successful acting gigs. We might as well include Nicole Richie as one of Hollywood's funniest women. I mean, I did crack up when she poured bleach all over that pool table during "The Simple Life". Whatever.
This past week I have been suffering from debilitating allergies. It always feels like such a surprise to me, year after year, when my head gets congested and my eyes and ears start to itch. I always forget how in nearly every year past the same thing happens. And every year I always act like I don't know how to take care of it. Sometimes I like to pretend that they will just go away. But the past two days I have been talking like I am a heavy smoker because I have so much junk down in my throat. It's times like these that I wish I was a rapper because my voice sounds really hard and very New York. I could totally be the new Biggie, minus the selling drugs and the weight problem. But it will all go away in a little while. Knowing that is what keeps me from trying to fully exploit my seasonal talent for what it is.
For a little while, I thought it might be a reaction to these cookies that came back into my life. During grad school, I became obsessed with these cookies that are covered in icing and stay soft for months on end. I referred to them as those stay soft cookies, but my friend Harry calls them Barbie cookies because they tend to have pink icing and are covered in sprinkles, like Barbie. So I was obsessed with these Barbie cookies. When it was exam time or just when I was feeling bad about myself, I would roll up to the grocery store and buy a box. They are strangely expensive for what they are, like $4 per box, but it was totally worth it. Most times, I would eat like six that first night. Looking back, this is disgusting. There has to be countless MSGs and tranny fats in these cookies to keep them so perfect. And they definitely have like 27 grams of fat per cookie. Healthwise, it doesn't make sense to eat them often, or at all. I guess it was a couple weeks ago when Harry brought some to our house. I only ate one that first night. But the cookies continued to speak to me while they were here. I had this, what turned out to be controllable, urge to eat the whole box. But with Ben here, it didn't seem right to let him in on the true animal I am when it comes to gorging on cookies. Not that it is a problem all the time, but sometimes it is.
I limited myself to eating just one of these cookies a day. Until the end. There were two cookies, and I felt I deserved them both. I don't think I was feeling bad, I just really wanted to eat them both. The thing about these cookies is that I don't think it matters how many you eat, they cause your body to do internal convulsions from all the toxins in them. My "allergies" started to act up right when these cookies came back into my life. The congestion, the nose running, the ears itching, the throat sore-ing. And I think that only now I am beginning to recover. Those cookies are so delicious, but my body cannot handle them despite what seems to be their power to give me this husky rapper/smoker voice.
I hope you're not too sad about those bitches over at Entertainment Weekly. Just promise me you won't turn to Barbie cookies to make you feel better. It will seem like a good idea to eat six in a single sitting, but your body and mind will hate you, even if they might compel you to record a rap album. Write back!
Jon
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