4.5.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

Today we were coming back from Whole Foods. I guess you could call me a yuppie or bougie, whatever. Their flowers are beautiful and they have all that cheese to sample. I'm living the dream. I know you understand! We were coming back, driving home when I saw this man who I immediately judged as homeless. That makes me feel a little guilty, but there are plenty of people who have homes and food that always look a little lost and a little dirty. You know the type, they don't bathe frequently and they always wear the same clothes every day. But this was my first encounter with this sir. He had on one of those hats that homeless guys like, ones like trucker hats but perhaps were actually stolen from a trucker and not borrowed from Ashton Kutcher. I am also pretty sure that he was wearing a full denim outfit, which under certain circumstances is completely acceptable. Here, not so much. This man could have been my Uncle Frank, with the hat and all that denim. But it was that he was creeping out from between these two bushes carrying things in plastic bags, probably all of his possessions. I am, however, convinced that those bags were carrying his purchases from the nearby Fresh Market.

I've heard rumors that many local homeless do it more for the free stuff than because they are without home. One guy, who claims to live in the woods with his cancer-stricken wife, apparently parks his Cadillac outside the Best Buy and walks down to the off-ramp stop light to set up shop. Because I'm not enabler most of the time, I don't give him any money. But I do wonder where exactly in the nearby woods he could live. But what if he's not really homeless, and all of this is for show? I mean, that is quite the elaborate story!

But what if his daily earnings all go to buying gourmet prepared foods, like spinach and artichoke dip with fancy crackers? I want that stuff, he can want them, too! We've been told all our lives not to give homeless people money because they'll use it for drugs and beer. One guy told me the dollar I gave him wasn't enough money to include the tax that would be added to the bag of chips he wanted. I guess he didn't want Cheetos or Doritos, but something more along the lines of pita chips or even those veggie chips that aren't even potatoes or corn. Would we be so hateful and misunderstanding of homeless people if we really understand that their motives for panhandling are the same as ours? They stand on the corner, while we sit at a desk or sell pants all day. All everybody wants is designer organic fruit and some expensive cheese! This man is just trying to survive like the rest of us, and he just has extremely expensive tastes. No wonder nobody wants to go to the shelter--they don't serve free range! If I had the balls to ask someone else to pay for my gluten-free mango popsicles I would certainly do it.

This brings me to the other presumably homeless man we saw. I am convinced that he had just picked up a colleague, or a hooker, if you will. I say that because it was Sunday morning and her green velvet tank dress kind of screamed, "I screw for dollars" rather than "I am just on my way from the Lord's house". Do you think this homeless man, with his new lover, was trying to spend their pay-by-the-hour time together buying luxury groceries instead of just sex? They were headed toward the very same clearing between the bushes as the guy in denim with the Fresh Market bags.

I guess I will never know. I had to come home and put everything in the fridge before it defrosted or just died. I work hard for that money!

I heard you were at Vanessa Williams' reading of Ivanka Trump's autobiography this weekend. Why, oh why, didn't you invite me? That sounds like the most well spent evening, ever. And Michael Urie was there! Maybe we can hit up some Whole Foods this weekend and play the "Guess who is homeless" game. I hope we see Robert Pattinson. Get at me!

Jon