Right now, at this very moment, I am sitting in my writing class. I'm in it to try and find my voice. My voice. I don't even know what that means. I feel like my voice is the one you might find in the bargain bin, that was reviewed as being too much like this author or too much of that one. I feel like most of what I do is rip off the style of other folks, David Sedaris-lite. Perhaps fat free, even. It's like the world might think it's worth something, but only at a discount price. They'll tell me it's because of These Economic Times.
So this class is all about prompts. It's a bit like the improv you do--they give you an object, a phrase and then you go with it. This week's prompt is a video camera. As I began to write, all I could think about was Paris Hilton and her video camera. Nightvision is so gross. When I walked in, I thought that maybe our class was being taped. In grad school, professors and grad students were encouraged to have their lectures taped so they could watch them and critique. I don't think my teacher has to answer to a tenure committee, so I am pretty sure class is not being taped. But it totally reminded me of the first time I lectured.
Geez. I was so nervous standing there in front of all those kids. I call them kids, but most were my age. Some might have even been a little older. They all made me nervous. I don't know how you did it for so long on Saturday Night Live. Maybe there's a focus that comes from all the rehearsals and knowing that you're funny. I practiced my lecture in my living room, in front of only me. I was over in about ten minutes. I had TV to watch. I think the last time I had given a presentation was as an undergraduate. Something about Charlize Theron, and that film she was in, "Monster". I'm so glad you turned down that role that Christina Ricci took. Charlize looked so gross. I think she could have been a serial killer just from touching you with that face! Or maybe her strength came from all that grease in her hair. I don't know what kind of dude would pick up ole Aileen Wournos, but I guess they weren't into showers. Of any kind.
That presentation was kind of bad. The professor hated me because I sent her an email demanding to know where all the black actresses were when our class was about women and film, not White Ladies in the Movies. She took out Legally Blonde and put in Jungle Fever. Cop. Out. I swear Angela Bassett would have gathered up all the prof's clothes, put them in her car and lit them all on fire when she heard the travesty that was this class. I did suggest "Waiting to Exhale". Maybe the professor wasn't a fan of Whitney Houston. Or maybe she thought it was a pot movie. Whatever, she hated me.
Come to think of it, the plot of "Waiting to Exhale" is similar to your new movie in a lot of ways. They're both about a group of sassy women, done wrong by men. Ok, that may be the only similarity. I do think Tyler Perry will have seen both by the time you get this, though. You know how he is about sassy ladies. Oh, Tyler Perry. Have you considered working with him? He may do you like he did Kathy Bates, which means it's all straight-to-DVD. Geez, I hope you're never so hard up as to do a Tyler Perry movie. Hello, I'm talking to you Janet Jackson. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do after that mess with 30 Rock. Whatever. Broadway is your's! Please write back.
Jon
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