Did you SEE Top Chef last night? Just when I thought I couldn’t love Carla any more, she came at me with her 1000 horsepower love machine. Man alive, if there is justice in this universe, she will win Top Chef. In related news, I’m thinking of organizing some sort of “Stay Home from Work and Text All Day for Carla to be the Fan Favorite” event. Could you lend a little pro bono PR to this cause?
So, I know this is my first solo post, but I want to cut to the chase. I know you were bummed about that dumb Vanity Fair spread last year. But you know what? Your omission from their “women of comedy” coverage incensed me so much that I not only actively decided to never read Vanity Fair again, but also decided to scowl at people at newsstands, bookstores, airports, etc. when I see them reading or even thinking of reading Vanity Fair. No joke. I’ve only been confronted by security a handful of times, which is really not much of an inconvenience on my part. And don’t worry, my efforts coupled with the impending collapse of the magazine industry will give those dweebs at VF their just desserts.
But let’s clear the air of all this negativity. I was just pondering who I would include in my list of ultimate comediennes. Do you still like to be called “comediennes?” I never know what you people are calling yourselves these days. I guess “comedienne” is kind of limiting. “Funny Ladies.” That sounds like a euphemism for a gang of meth head hookers or something. Um… “First Women of Comedy?” No, I feel like Tyler Perry would be on that list. Maybe “Funny Gurrrls?” No, that’s a roller derby team sponsored by NOW, I think. Okay, women who make me chortle. That’s what I’m calling my list. Here it is, in no particular order:
1.) Margaret Cho
2.) Dolly Parton
3.) Carol Burnett
4.) Rachel Dratch
5.) Sarah Silverman
6.) Tina Fey
7.) Lily Tomlin
8.) Gilda Radner
9.) Kathy Griffin
10.) Amy Sedaris
Okay, that’s just the first ten to come to mind. I guaran-damn-tee you, there’s more funny on that list than Vanity Fair could handle.
Alright, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s get down to business. As I’m commuting each day, I’m going to devote a little bit of time thinking of ways to get you back in the saddle. Here are some ideas I’m coming up with as I write:
1.) Times are hard, right? That’s what they tell me on cable news, at least. When times are hard, people want to escape OR they want to see someone stickin’ it to the people who made times hard. Enter the feature length comedy: RePossessed. A woman (one Rachel Dratch) has her home and car repossessed by wicked mortgage lenders and is forced to bike to work from the shelter or something. Of course that ends in a deadly bike accident and she comes back as a ghost to haunt the mortgage lenders. There’s some sort of love thing involved, I’m sure. And maybe Amy Poehler could be a medium that you possess and she helps you tie up your loose ends or whatever. You know what, maybe this material is more appropriate as a light-hearted episode of The Ghost Whisperer. Think about it.
2.) Have you considered hosting some show on cable? Mario Lopez can’t do it all.
3.) A Nazi movie. They’re really in right now.
4.) What about a stunt? I mean, you can drop a few f-bombs on some production staff and people will make dance remixes on YouTube within the hour. Throw a fit… or your cellphone. It might also be a blast.
That’s all I’ve got right now. I feel like we’re really getting somewhere, though. Stay sassy and keep it real.
Ben
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