2.4.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

Girl, why didn't you say anything about this movie you've got coming out!? The combo of you and Miss Poehler is a bit deadly. Like that peanut butter! Speaking of which, hope you haven't been affected. I feel like you might really enjoy some peanut butter, as I obviously do. Your pics from Sundance look super spicy. I like it. The fact that all of this is happening also makes me very happy.

Have you been watching American Idol? I refuse to watch those dumb audition episodes. Sweet jesus. But I did see/read about that girl who auditioned in just a bikini. Maybe I'm drinking the Haterade, but she's not very cute. I like to think the bottom was squeezing her junk and ruining her voice. Maybe it was all that tucking. I look forward to discussing the less skin-inclined and more singing-inclined singers at a later date.

Man, this time last week I was laid up and out of commission. I ate some old bean dip. I knew it tasted funny, but I was hungry and kind of into it. Nothing told me not to eat it, so there it went. The consequences were dire. I won't let that ruin a Chipotle burrito, though. That guacamole is crucially important to my operations. I'm just glad to be alive. Promise me you won't fall victim to bad bean dip.

I don't know if you're married or not, but I have a get back into the limelight quick scheme. Have you considered dating Shia LeLaBeouf? I know, I know. This is insane. But then you could turn the experience into a one-woman show. "I Am A Transformer". Forget all of that. I don't know how you feel about end of times prophecies, but I think you need to star in something with Kirk Cameron. Say, one of those "Left Behind" films. You could be his wife after his other one is raptured. Imagine the wacky senarios. I don't know how light he'd like to make it, but something about this says Oscar to me. Ok, better yet. "Mad Men" Season Three. That is all there is to say. This is all just in case your other show doesn't take off. Which it totally will. I know it.

Jon