I was just thinking today about Y2K. It seems like all this doomsday craziness that results from These Economic Times mixed with the current financial situation and that conversation that took place last night between Jim Kramer and Jon Stewart has me thinking about what the end of the world might look like. I mean, not the actual end of the world, but more the end of the world my 15 year old self envisioned as a young child alarmist.
I remember being quite scared of two things as an adolescent: an "Independence Day"-style alien attack and Y2K. It seems like I have memories of crying for hours about how scared I was about each of these possibly happening individually, or worse, at the same time. Something about being blown up by hateful aliens who don't even know my name or possibly having to start using horses again because none of the cars work anymore because all the computers in the world and in our cars could not make the transition into the 21st century made about four or so years of my teenage life really taxing. These times don't seem as taxing as that one summer I spent gorging myself on sugar cookies and Coke and not understanding why I was constantly in the bathroom. At the time, I thought perhaps I had AIDS. Apparently I was just eating for time. I feel like this is what Oprah does to you--makes you scared of everything so that you can find solace in her loving spiritual arms. Well, my Oprah's arms look like crazy-fat-lady-wing-arms and were not exactly welcoming because I couldn't breathe through all the cocoa butter she uses to scent herself and all the actual butter that drips off her face.
So Y2k had me scared. I made my parents, in their two separate homes, stockpile goods so that we could survive the impending doom. We ate off of the green beans my dad collected until 2005. Beyond the green beans, I'm not sure what else we had except these two giant water things. They weren't jugs, they were shaped much more like plastic gas tanks you might use in a john boat. But we poured water in them because I didn't want those guys down at the water place to put my life in danger by either delivering dirty water to my house or by their computers shutting down and not knowing that we needed water. It's so weird how writing all this out makes me feel about this time. My parents totally gave into everything, every fear and crazy whim. I had my mom collect vegetable seed packets so that we could grow our own vegetables and grow enough to barter in case of the Y2K and money meant nothing. And I don't exactly remember anyone, maybe my sister did, really protesting any of this. I like to think it was my mom's idea to use vegetables for money in the new 21st century lifestyle we could expect. But we'll say it was me and just ask why no one stopped and shook any of us, namely me, and asked what the fuck was going on.
Did you think about where you might find horses to get you to your grandma's house? Or maybe about how many cucumbers could get you a gun? I mean, hey, guns don't need computers to work. Guns would survive the computer crash! Somehow we did not believe our Buick Regal would, although we did debate whether or not it was new enough to have any kind of computer technology in it. I wanted to believe that it didn't and that we could use it to drive to Mexico and seek refuge somewhere safe, because obviously America was going to become all Marshall Law and at least in Mexico there might already be a bean farm or something where we could become slaves. Did I just wish I intimate that Y2K prompted me to wish I was Harriet Jacobs or Sally Hemmings? Do you see how kind of insane this thought process was? Again, how did I survive living anywhere, much less this pre-apocalyptic America?
I guess it all was kind of for nothing. In what became a weird trend for much of the early 00s, my dad came to my mom's house to watch the ball, or the world as I expected, drop. For being divorced, they seemed to come together for my craziness. I wanted us all to be together in case the worse might happen. I was a little disappointed when nothing did happen at midnight. I mean, no flicker, no flash, all the lights still on and Dick Clark still rocking. I guess there's something to say about being prepared. I always did love green beans.
I hope you are well. Please write.
Jon
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