3.26.09

Dear Rachel Dratch,

Do you like to dance? I would say that it is one of my most favorite things to do, ever. In the recent past, Ben and I were discussing dancing. He likes it, but not really. I said, "Yeah, I only really like to do it when no one's around, when I'm doing laundry or something. I'm not really into it." He said, "You are a boldfaced liar!" He caught me. I love to dance. I got moves for when the dishes are getting put up, when I'm hanging clothes, when I'm brushing my teeth, in the shower, at the gym, when I'm sweeping at work. To say that I hate dancing is indeed a boldfaced lie.

I really like to think that everyone else loves it as much as I do, and if they say otherwise they are lying. In my mind, Ben loves to dance. He just doesn't want to be a "dancer". You know the type, those people who "dance". The kind that take classes, have special shoes, and probably also sing to themselves when they have one of their routine songs stuck in their heads. I swear, this girl at Coldstone last week was a prime example of this kind of person. She was singing Jennifer Lopez's "Let's Get Loud", from 1999 or so, whenever she was denying she was dating Puff and before he got Shyne put in jail for lying about having a gun in the club. Anyway, this is a really obscure J.Lo song, so of course I know it. It is also quite the Gloria Estefan rip-off. So this girl, while doing her thing to someone's ice cream, was talking about her new routine and how good it was and how much she loved it. This is the kind of person I'm talking about, a "dancer". Other varieties probably include "actors," "singers," and "writers".

This is all to say that this is not the kind of person I am. I have never taken classes, and probably won't unless Justin Timberlake is teaching it. And even then it's only so I can win the dance-off. I'm only judging this kind of person a little bit. I like to break it down, sweaty style, all over the place. I need space when I move because I have this one move where I do a back up kind of shuffle thing. And if I've been drinking, and sometimes not even then, I can get a little carried away. I mean, folks need to be seeing that I need space and it is for their own good to engage in their own backward shuffle. Hands in the air playas, back it up cause here I come! Sorry about that broken glass when I hit your elbow with my hand!

Sometimes folks will find out that I can move and want to talk about it. And it's often those "dancers". They'll invite you to weird dance clubs that are meant more for tourists than real people, simply because they music tends to be pretty good and dancing is fun. I am realizing this sounds like something I've done. But I'm not one of these people! I haven't taken classes. I only know the J.Lo song because I own the CD.

Did I just admit to owning J.Lo's first album? And maybe having bootleg copies of her other two? I don't work out routines to songs, do I? Does that one to R. Kelly's "Ignition Remix" count? I mean, it's all for comedy's sake. But it's so smooth. I believe I just admitted to knowing that J.Lo song that the ice cream girl was humming and that I've created routines. I've never taken lessons, but I did watch the dance routine sections of the DVD that came with the special edition of Ciara's "Evolution" album--does that count? Who am I? Not a "dancer". No.

Please tell me you just love dancing--sweaty, hot, dangerous dancing. No lessons, no memorized J.Lo routines, simply moves. My computer's about to die. Blarg!

Jon